A victorious revelation?

    If you know me, you likely know that I am a past victim of bullying.  Starting in middle school, and well in to my high school years, I was routinely picked on, primarily about my weight.  Needless to say, while I have grown from the experience, the bullying changed me in a deep way.  To be totally honest, I don't think I ever really "got over it."  I have held on to the anger for a very long time.  I still get nervous when people laugh, because I automatically flash back to school days, and wonder if they are laughing at me.  Generally no, they are not.
    I have dealt, for a very long time, with depression and anxiety that resulted from how I was treated.  I have had to sort through an overwhelming amount of anger and hurt, but I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who has, with love and patience, helped me do that.  Sometimes it means just sitting there and letting me rant and rave about the people who bullied me, sometimes it is saying the same compliment over and over until I believe it, and other times it means dealing with my bad moods and anxiety.
    As I have stated in many of my posts, one of the first things I had to change was my mentality.  People today are so quick to point fingers at someone who is over weight, and say that they are lazy.  What they do not realize is that obesity goes hand in hand with depression.  In some cases, depression leads to obesity, in other cases, obesity leads to depression.  For me, I have always been the "bigger girl." So as I grew more depressed, I also became more overweight.  Typical of a person suffering a depressive disorder, I would use food to comfort myself, and would over eat quite often because of poor impulse control.  I also had no motivation or energy to exercise, and was generally sedentary in my day to day life.  Naturally, these things led to weight gain, thus a deeper depression, and thus more weight gain.
      If you think about it, my poor diet, the depression, the impulse control issues, EVERYTHING, made it hard for me to really take a step towards health. Looking back, I have to truly say that it was a divine influence that finally got me moving, because I do not think I had the strength to do it myself.  So you see, while it is easy to classify someone with depression as lazy, it is not always the truth.
     When I did finally get that push from God, it truly sparked an immense change.  You know, they say that exercise is great for depression and anxiety.  Well, it is true.  My work outs, more specifically my running, have helped my depression better than any medication I ever used.  I'm not discounting medication, by any means.  For some people it is a life saver, but for me, it just was not the right fit.
     You see, when I run, I have little room in my mind for extra thoughts.  Part of my focus needs to be on my breathing, keeping it steady and even as possible. Another part of my mind has to focus on keeping  a good pace, and monitoring my form and where my feet land, so that I do not injure myself.  I also have to keep attention on the signals my body sends me, so I can tell when my body needs to take a break. Further parts of my mind focus on the music that keeps me going.  With all that going on, there is little else I can focus on.  As odd as this may sound, I use this limited focus as a time to solve problems, or as a chance work through things in my life that need working through.    
   Solutions became easier to find, and problems became much less overwhelming. After a while, I finally got the nerve to turn my attention to the bullying.  You see, without the constant "channel change" of thoughts that comes with my attention deficit issues, and the reduced amount of illogical, and negative thoughts that accompany depression and anxiety I was able to truly begin to work through all of it.
    It was about three weeks ago when I finally realized my anger was truly gone.  In it's place was something closer to confusion, and pity for those that treated me the way they did.  I think that, for a long time, I wanted to know why they behaved the way they did.  In a way, I always assumed it was my fault.  Maybe if I had changed something, did something different, been more open, people would have not bullied me.
    The truth is, there is no real answer to why. Certainly the fault is not with me.  I think the only thing that could remotely resemble an answer would be that each person that treated me poorly must have had their own issues that they needed to work through.  This is where the pity comes in.  I have to wonder what is wrong inside those who were the worst to me.  Whatever these things may be, it will never excuse their behavior, but it does explain it.  It is through my pity that I finally forgave them.

  All accomplished while running...see, exercise IS good for you.
   
   Sounds victorious yes?  The amazing part, is that the above is not my non scale victory.  I wrote earlier, about how my mind is much quieter now when I run.  The ruminating, the "channel changing,"  and the illogical fears have been a part of my life for a long time. Until now, that is.  I recently realized something. My mind is a lot less annoying.  While some of this can be attributed to the stimulant medication that helps me focus, I think that all those runs have done more than improve my physical health, and depression.  They helped me learn to control my thoughts.  I hope that does not sound crazy!  Odd as it may seem to those who have never experienced such a state of thinking, it is a wonderful truth for me.  The ability to focus on a single issue without a barrage of interrupting thoughts was something I thought I could only enjoy while running.

Somewhere along the way, that ability became second nature.  VICTORY!

    Even now, writing this, I am itching to put on my running shoes, and hit the track.  Knowing what it has done for me, knowing what it has changed in me, makes me truly appreciate the feel of my feet pounding the pavement.  Starting out, I do not think I realized how much of a change exercise would bring. I don't think I can claim that it cures depression and anxiety totally, because I still experience issues sometimes.  There are days when I let anxiety get the best of me.  There are times when I let myself get down. But now, I no longer let it take total control.  I allow myself a short pity party...while I drive to the gym to workout!

   I may always have to deal with emotional issues, but at least now it is more like climbing a slightly steep hill instead of a mountain.

May your own mountains become foothills!
Kristina.