Nerves of steel...abs of, well, not steel.

   Anyone who has followed my posts and photos or who sees me on a regular basis can tell you that I have gone through a massive physical transformation.  However, I have only posted photos of me with clothing on, hiding the still embarrassing state of my stomach and abs.  That is going to change.  This certainly will not be an easy post for me, considering my natural tendency is to HIDE my stomach.
    My pregnancy gave me a wonderful gift, in that I was blessed with a beautiful son and daughter. I would not trade motherhood for anything.  But my pregnancy also left me with something else, something I am not very fond of.
    When I got pregnant, I was already pretty overweight at 250 pounds. During the course of the eight months I gained another forty-five pounds, which was actually right where the doctor wanted me.  Then I went to what would be my final pre-natal appointment, feeling that something was wrong before I even went in.  The swelling that had plagued me the entire pregnancy just about doubled the day before that appointment.  When I stepped on the scale at the doctors, I had gained about 12 pounds in a little under a week, putting my weight gain at 57 pounds total. The weirdest concentration of fluid was actually at the bottom of my belly, creating what would become the apron that I have now.
    It was little surprise that I was diagnosed with pre eclampsia.  I was sent right away to USA Children's and Women's.  Originally the plan was to induce me, starting that night.  However, my health necessitated a different route.  My blood pressure continued to rise, despite the large amount of magnesium sulfate they gave me, and then my kidneys had trouble functioning.  It was at that point that they decided we would have to do an emergency c-section.  While I do not regret the surgery, it too contributed to the current state of my stomach.
     To give you an idea of why things look the way they do, here is a photo of me at about 32 weeks, about three weeks before I delivered.  I actually got bigger than this, if you can believe it!

  

     So , after my pregnancy, and weight gain, and everything, my stomach was left looking less than pretty.  I had, and still have, an apron of fluid and skin that actually extends to my hips.  Despite all the weight I have lost, it has yet to go away.  If anything, it actually has grown worse.  On top of that, I have a "mommy pooch" from the pregnancy and c-section that is being less than cooperative.

  The next photos are back from when I started. It's hard to believe how big I was!

260 pounds, size 24/26

   These are the most current photos of me at the 168 pound mark.  Same sports bra, by the way!  It's hard to believe how different I look now, from how I looked then.  Almost embarrassing really.  But I am so proud to see how far I have come in what really is a short amount of time.  I still have a long way to go, but it is wonderful to see my progress!

  These photos I took yesterday really show the apron.  Like I said, it's going to take a lot to correct it, but I think in the end it will be worth it.  

   So here it is.  My abs may not be rock hard, but my nerves certainly are!

Learning from the past

    I had the chance to read something today from a person who battled anorexia, and it brought up some memories of my own.  While I can say that I was  fortunate to have friends and family that knocked sense in to me before I went too far, it is scary to think about easily I fell into that state of mind.  It started off with the simple desire to be thin. Looking back, I know now that it was anything BUT simple.  And it was the wrong desire.  Sometimes I wonder that if I had focused on getting healthy, not being thin, that maybe I would have avoided the trap I fell in to. However, I am glad that I did experience what could have easily led to anorexia. It taught me a great lesson, and helped me stay in a healthy state of mind as I spent the last year working to lose weight.
     I still wonder why it was so easy to get into a pattern of skipping meals. I knew then, as much as I know now, that you have to eat to lose weight.  At first, I was going about the weight loss in a healthy way.  Instead of eating the cafeteria food (specifically the pizza), as was my usual habit, I started bringing healthy lunches like Tuna with celery or fruit salad. I quickly began to lose weight, but it was not quick enough.  Tuna and celery quickly became a slim fast bar and a piece of fruit.  Still not fast enough.  It became just the slim fast bar. Then half a bar, then nothing.  It was not long before I started skipping breakfast too.  If I did eat during the day, it was usually nothing more than celery, maybe a bite of a Slim Fast bar and a couple of grapes.
    The weight fell off of me, and I enjoyed it. Yet it didn't matter that my size had gone down drastically, I still felt very fat, and that I needed to lose more weight.  It did not take too long for friends and family to start realizing that I was not healthy.  I was having dizzy spells, and fainted quite a few times.  I actually skipped periods occasionally.  I couldn't focus at school, and I was always moody and miserable.  In fact was as miserable when I was skinny, as I was a year ago when I was severely obese.
    I had support all around me thankfully, and they all saw how quickly I was letting myself go down a very bad road.  But the person who really helped me the most was Ben. He stuck with me through the whole thing.  We had not even been together a year, and yet he made it his goal to help me get past that bump in my life.  See why I married him?  He is an amazing person!
     Ben spent every day telling me how pretty I was, and how much he loved me.  He would make sure I ate my lunch, and fuss if he found out I skipped breakfast or dinner.  As much as I hated gaining the weight back, over time I began to understand the risk I had faced.  In only a few months I had lost close to 60 pounds.  That doesn't sound like a lot, unless you consider that I was not really THAT heavy to begin with.
    This time, I am so glad I was able to lose the weight in a healthy way.  I would be lying if I did not say that I am occasionally met with the temptation to skip a meal again, or fall back into old habits.  Running has certainly helped with that.  My runs suck if I have not had enough calories during the day.  Let me tell you, few things irritate me more than a bad work out, and skipping meals will pretty much guarantee that your workout will not go well.  Having set for myself the goals of running a 10k and a half marathon, not eating is certainly out of the question!
    As much as I would like to say that I regret that part of my past, I can not.  It taught me far too many valuable lessons, and it has made me the person I am today.  The same can be said for the bullying that led to the disordered eating, I wouldn't change it.  Hard as those times were, they are an important part of who I am. If my experiences can help even one person that reads this blog, then I am even more grateful for that part of my life.

   I know that some of my friends have experienced, or are currently experiencing, the same fight to varying degrees.  And it is for them that I wrote this. For every person like me, who was able to stop, there are at least two others who are unable to.  I'm thankful for my family and friends, and I often thank God for giving me an awesome boyfriend that stuck around through a very rough period to become my husband. Without them, I do not know what would have happened.

    If any of you are fighting this frustrating battle, just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that you do not fight alone.
Kristina