Sexy?

    Sexy...a word that I have never actually applied to myself.  I've never actually felt it.  To feel sexy, you would first have to feel attractive, and well that has even been a challenge for myself. Sexy and attractive were words that described other people, certainly not me. For so long I have always been the big girl, or the fat one.  You get used to it after a while, and get in to this mind set where you truly are unable to see yourself as attractive.
 
    Today I decided to be daring, and try on an outfit that, for lack of a better word, is sexy.  It's a slim fitting halter top in my new size twelve jeans.  Okay, hold the phone, size twelve?  Yes, it is true.  I have managed to get down to a size twelve, and let me tell you, it feels amazing!  The average woman in the United States is a fourteen.  For once in my life, I am quite happy to be below average!

    Looking in the mirror, I suddenly realized that I actually felt attractive, maybe even a little bit sexy.  It's an odd feeling.  It really is.  It is almost as if I am seeing the physical changes for the first time.  A while back, I read an article about something called "phantom fat."  It's very common in people who have had weight loss surgery, or people who have lost a great deal of weight.  I can certainly say I fall in to the latter of the two.

    Phantom fat is a result of disordered thinking. When you are overweight, particularly if you are severely overweight, you get into the "fat mentality."  I didn't bother looking at regular size clothing.  I always made sure to have a large space between my car and another in a parking lot, and I always wore clothing that hid the fat.
   
    Now, I have this different body.  It's a more athletic build.  It's much more slender, and it fits into clothing that I would never have looked at a year ago.  Only recently have I been able to go in to a store, and walk to the regular clothing sizes, too used to visiting the plus sized sections for clothing. I look at a space, and think there is no way I'll be able to squeeze through that, but I end up surprised that it is no trouble at all.  I look in the mirror, and I do not see a size twelve.  I still sometimes see the size twenty-four.

    In other words, my brain hangs on to the fat that is no longer there.  It is long gone, and yet my brain just does not seem to understand that fact.  Although I can say that it IS getting better.  Just the fact that I let myself try on the halter top that I have not worn in years speaks to that.  It was also nice to find that I was not as surprised that the size twelve jeans fit, as I was when the size fourteen jeans fit.  It is like my brain is finally saying "yes, you're attractive now...yes, you're slender now...get used to it!"

So here it is...the size twelve jeans, and my cute little top.  I'm finally starting to really see how much I have changed, and it sure feels great!