A Lesson Learned Is A Lesson Earned

    I woke up Monday morning, which Monday alone is frustrating enough as it is, but to top it off I woke up with severe pain in my right knee.  By severe, I mean I stepped out of bed and said a few words that would put a sailor to shame. Every time I put weight on my knee, it would leave me in tears.  Not just from pain, but also because I was afraid that this would be that injury, the one that I was afraid of.  The one that would end my running days for good.
     It is with thankfulness and praise that I can say it was not such an injury, like a torn ligament or worse.  Instead it was a severe flare up of my osteoarthritis.  Yes, you read that correctly, I have arthritis in my right knee. It was diagnosed when I was much heavier, and it is a result of my long term obesity.  By losing the weight, I certainly improved what was a near constant pain, but there are still times when it flares up like this.
     Easy as it would be to blame things on genetics, or bad luck, the truth is that my life choices were what resulted in the pain I experienced these past few days.  And....I will admit....my bad decision to run in very cheap $9 running shoes.  Yeah, I'm actually ashamed about that part, and not so much the part about my weight in the past. Running in cheap shoes is NOT a good idea.  Ever.  Well a lesson learned is a lesson earned!  I will be investing in a new pair of shoes as soon as I am able.  It is a good thing that I have to take a break from running, so I can save up the money until then.  Dear readers, let this be a lesson to each of you as well.  You get what you pay for in athletic equipment, and the one thing you do NOT want to scrimp on is your athletic shoe.
     That said, I also must insist that you do what you can about your own unhealthy habits as soon as possible.  Because I allowed my obesity to go unchecked for years, I allowed the damage to be done to my knee. Damage that, I fear, is always going to be a part of my life.  I'll even admit that running is probably not the BEST exercise to do, but there are ways that I can do it safely without causing further damage to my knee.  Continued use of the patella straps is a must, and I also need to include more workouts to strengthen my muscles in my knee. I'm also now going to be on a daily anti-inflammatory medication and Glucosamine supplement to help reduce inflammation and prevent further damage to the joint.

    Had I done something years ago about my weight, I wouldn't have to deal with this now.  But what is in the past is in the past, and I've grown and learned from that.  I've chosen to use it as a lesson to help make better choices in my future instead of something I should be ashamed of, and run from.  That is something I encourage each of you to do.  Use my lesson to help prevent you from learning things the hard way, like I did.  If you are making unhealthy choices, and I do not limit this to being over weight, then now is the time to take that step and fix things.  Do NOT allow yourself to do further harm. We only have this one body, and we should do all we can to take care of it.
    The one thing that really bothers me about this is the one thing I was once guilty myself of doing.  For a long time, I did not really take into account just what I was doing to myself.  I dismissed the poor diet and lack of exercise as an issue with the mentality of "I'm fine now.  Why should I worry?" I didn't consider the long term implications of it all.  It is a mentality I regularly come across these days.

   "I drink soft drinks all the time, and I'm fine."
   "I'm overweight and I'm fine."
   "I smoke, but I'm fine."
   
   Sure, you're fine now, or at least you believe that you are fine.  The most dangerous symptoms of poor health are the ones that aren't immediately obvious, or the ones that are most easily ignored and explained away.  Then one day you wake up, and you're not fine. You have Diabetes, or heart disease, or like me, Arthritis.  The time to take action is not when you have reached that point.  The time to take action is now, even when you believe you are fine. My diagnosis at the age of twenty-three with Arthritis was the first in a long line of wake up calls, ones that I could have avoided had I not procrastinated.
     Despite my young age, though, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I have Arthritis because I can also add that I did eventually do something about it.  I could have just given up, and let it be another excuse not to get up and take action. Now, when I say that I have it, I can also add the story of my success.  It just would have been easier to do it without the pain. Then again, I've never really been one to take the easiest path.  It's an occupational hazard of being stubborn!

Stop procrastinating!!!!
-Kristina




   

Time to go beyond the blog!

     After receiving so many positive remarks on my blog posts, I have decided to take my memoirs beyond the blog and onto the pages of a book.  I can't count the number of times now that someone has told me that my story and my blog have inspired them to get up and start their own life changes.  Nothing makes me happier than to see others achieving the goals that they have set for themselves, so those comments keep me going. I realize now that I want my story to go farther than just my friends and family.  I want to spread it to others who might need a push in the right direction.  I want to encourage others who need encouragement just like I did when I started my own journey. We live in world where there are so many discouraging things, that I want to be a part of those tipping the scales the other way (no pun intended!)
     Truth be told, I'm nervous about this.  Putting myself out there, essentially pouring out my heart and soul into a book, is a scary thing.  What if I face rejection? What if people hate it? What if? What if? What if?  All these what if scenarios are making this first step a bit of a challenge.  It's funny, after all the confidence that I've gained, you would think that this would not be so big an issue. Yet when I think about publishing a book full of my thoughts and emotions, it's suddenly like I'm back to the start of things, before I became the confident woman I am now.  I have to remind myself that if I can wear a two piece, and let the world see my mummy-tummy, I can certainly do this.
     In a way, both situations are a lot alike, now that I think about it. My stomach is very flawed.  Okay, that's an understatement. It has stretch marks on top of stretch marks, I have an apron from my weight loss, extra skin and weight add a little more fluff than I would like, and after years of hiding under clothes my stomach is so pale that it's nearly blinding.  And that is just one area. My body has flaws all over! Despite all this, I still decided I was not going to hide it. I was going to be proud of the body that I have.
     So if I had to paint a portrait of my mind, and what I imagined it to look like, it would be a mirror image of all my physical flaws.  Some might ask why I would characterize myself with all these imperfections, or wonder why I see myself in such a negative light.  Well the truth is that I AM FLAWED and that I HAVE MANY IMPERFECTIONS, but I wouldn't say that I am seeing myself in a negative way.  The stretch marks, the flab, the pasty pale blindingly white skin...all of that is part of who I am, and it establishes something of a road map of the past few years. It tells my story, and it reflects all the hard work I have put in to making myself a better person both physically and mentally.
     There are emotional scars that will always remain, but they have faded greatly with time. There are mental stretch marks, from when my sanity was stretched to the limit. There were many times, particularly in the last few years, that I wondered just how much farther I could stretch without snapping in two. My mental "skin" is most definitely pale, after so many years in the dark.  Darkness is defined as the absence of light, and I can certainly say that I experienced such an absence during those hardest of times.  And though I've shed much of what was weighing me down, there are still a few things that cling on to me, like the extra skin and the apron.  I still have what I call "down days," where depression and anxiety get the best of me. Now, instead of wallowing in those emotions, I go on a run, and it helps. It may not fix it completely, but it does make it easier to deal with.
    So if I can wear a two piece and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to criticism of my physical flaws, then maybe, just maybe, I can find the strength to open myself up to a wider audience when it comes to my unseen flaws. It's been easy, being open here with my friends and family as readers, because I know you all will support me, and offer me encouragement. Each one of you, my awesome readers, have helped me grow stronger, and more able to face and express what goes on in my mind. I've always tried to hide the less attractive parts of me, but that all changed when I started this blog.
    Scary as it is, I know that I can do this, and put myself out there for the world to see.  Just like with my physical self, my inner flaws are representative of my achievements.  They tell the story of how I have come to be the person I am today. I am proud of who I am, and I am proud of what I have done. Sure, it's hard to look back sometimes, and see what I was like in the past.  I still cringe at the old photos of myself, particularly that one of me in the green sports bra, with my stomach hanging out. That is the image I now use to picture what I was like before my mental makeover. And yes, it is equally hard to look at, particularly when I think about putting that image out there for eyes other than friends and family. Yet I know that if I can do it, that I will be be a better person for the effort.  Better still, I might be able to help some other person who shares my story.
    Vulnerability does not make us weaker unless we allow it to.  If we use it, and learn from it, we can come back stronger than we were before. Just like when you work out. You are essentially breaking down the muscle, which seems like a bad thing.  But it is through that break down that your muscle rebuilds and strengthens.
     Of course all of this is very easily said, and not so easily done. It is going to take some effort to convince myself of everything I have written here, and to not crawl back into hiding. I am going to have to fight past my fears of rejection and criticism, but I've done it before, and I am sure I can do it again as long as I have the support of friends and family.  Lucky for me, I can say that I am blessed with such support. What I can not say is when things will be done, only that I have started the process. I am going to need prayers, encouragement, and gift cards to Starbucks or any other donation of coffee to survive this whole endeavor.  I'm sure I can count on you guys for at lest the first two!
   
    I am so excited to see where this is going to go. Nervous too, but that is just part of the package deal.  As I write this, I keep thinking of a quote from Lord of the Rings (yes, another one, I am a nerd, after all), a bit of advice that Bilbo gave to Frodo.

    "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door.  You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

    Now some would read this as a warning, and in part it is.  I also think that Bilbo knew that it would inspire the same thirst for adventure in Frodo that he himself had.  They were both a bit on the Tookish side, so the idea of being swept off to places unknown probably did more to encourage them to go running off than it did to discourage them. Yes, stepping out of my door is going to be a dangerous undertaking, but I'm feeling a bit Tookish myself. Whatever comes, it will be an adventure, that's for sure.


 
 May your own adventures be exciting and, if you're lucky, have a dragon or two.
Kristina.

Of splash pads, sharks, stars, and sunburns.

         It's been a couple of weeks since our vacation, and I'm still enjoying the stress relief it brought me!  Our five days at the lake side cabin proved to be everything I had hoped, and more, and I have come back to the daily grind refreshed and ready to get back to business.  
       We spent most of the time chilling out at the splash pad and pool, trying to help the kids gain more confidence in the water.  Both Ayden and Kathryne made some really good progress, but Ayden really surprised me.  He'll be swimming in no time! We, unfortunately, didn't get much time at the beach due to a few unfortunate circumstances.  On the first day we planned to go, swarms of sharks had appeared all along the waters of Orange Beach and Gulf Shores, which led officials to close many of the beaches, and warn people on other stretches of sand to stay out of the water, just in case.  By the time the sharks had scurried away, and the beaches opened again, red flags went right back up.  There were some very strong currents and rip tides,  which makes swimming dangerous even for strong swimmers.  We finally managed to squeeze in some beach time on our last day along a stretch of water that is not as prone to strong waves, but we still had to stay in very shallow waters.  Even then, it made for some good fun and photos!

     Our adventures weren't just limited to water, though.  We spent an afternoon walking around the Gulf Shores Zoo, which was fun at first, but it got hot quickly, and I think the kids may be growing out of their zoo phase.  They enjoyed more our trip to the Naval Aviation Museum in Pensacola.  We arrived in time to see the line forming to go watch the Blue Angels practice over the air strip!  Granted it was a long wait, very hot, and ended up giving Ben and I a nice bit of sun burn (the kids were, thankfully, spared), but it was amazing!  I'd never actually had the chance to see them before, so this was a wonderful experience for all of us.  Well, at least until Kathryne started fussing.  I think it was less to do with the noise (I DO have video proof that she was enjoying herself at first) and more to do with the fact that she was hot, tired, and hungry.  Ayden lasted the entire show though, and spent the whole museum trip talking about how he was going to be a Blue Angel pilot one day.  He is now the proud owner of a large, die cast blue angel model airplane that has fueled many hours of imaginative play.

      In addition to some much needed R and R, I also made sure to keep up the work outs.  Yep, you read that right.  I did not use vacation as an excuse to slack off!  While I was only able to get in one run, I still did my weights every other night, and spent a great deal of time doing other physical activities.  I made sure to swim laps in the pool, did an impressive amount of walking, and basically did what I could to stay active.  I must have done something right, because by nine or ten most nights I was crawling into bed, and falling asleep the moment I made contact with the pillows.  If you know me, you know that this is a very unusual thing for me to do.

     The one run I was able to manage was short, but still a big achievement.  I have never had the chance to do a run on the beach.  It's something I've always wanted to do, but I have always been too afraid to give it a try, because I knew it would be one of the hardest things I've done yet. After doing the mud run, I finally had the courage to push myself to do it.  I set what I believed was a reasonable goal of one mile. We would start at the pier, and go from there.

   Let me just say this.  I cussed more in that one mile, than I did the entire mud run.

    Barely a quarter mile in, I was already wanting to give up.  My legs burned, my chest hurt, and my pinkie toe was throbbing.  No really, it was!  Luckily Ben was not about to let me give in.  At half a mile, I was determined.  I stopped to catch my breath, and was feeling all smug about how far I'd come until I saw how "not far" we had come from the pier.  I believe I said the "F bomb" a few times.  Still, I kept going.  I had a good flow of music, and after coming half way, I was sure as hell not going to give up.  Three quarters of a mile in, I had a come to Jesus moment because I thought I was dying.  Then finally we came up on that last stretch.  I wanted to give in, but my destination was just ahead.  You see, the thing about running on that beach is that it lacked the twists and turns that my usual routes take.  This meant I could clearly see what I had accomplished, which made a much bigger impact than seeing it mapped out on my GPS.  Sure, I cussed a little more, yelled at Ben, shed a tear or two, and doubted my sanity, but I finished that mile.   And you know what?  I want to do it again.  Knowing now that I can do it, I am going to go back one day and challenge myself to go beyond a mile.
   

     After that, we sat down on the beach and just watched the waves roll in for a while.  This was mostly a chance to let me catch my breath again, and reassure myself that I was indeed still alive, but to also just enjoy the quiet of the ocean, and the stars above.  I so rarely get a chance to run at night in Mobile, and when I do, you really can't see the stars like you could that night at the beach. I was so busy fussing about how hard the run was, that I didn't notice the beauty all around me.  I was glad for that break because I made sure to look up to the skies on the return run, which made it much more enjoyable. Our break finished, we hiked it up to the road, which ran through the national park, and back to the pier.  In the end, I had only run two and a quarter miles, but I was okay with that. After starting out not even believing I would make even one mile, I am very pleased with what I achieved.  Thank you, Ben, for running with me and pushing me to do something I didn't think I could do.

     The vacation also proved to be a good chance to learn some new work outs to help me build up my arms.  Most of my lifts focused on my biceps, chest, and shoulders but nothing really for my triceps.  Dad showed me some new workouts that I am going to incorporate into my weekly routine to help build up those muscles now, though I am considering having a day specifically focusing on my triceps and abs.  Knowing myself, and my current strength, it will likely be the best option for me.

     I've also set for myself a new goal.  I enjoyed wearing my two piece, and proudly showed off my mum-tum, but I want to look even better next year. There will never really be any sort of perfection, unless I go for plastic surgery, but I'm going to do what I can to make myself look better in a bathing suit. I discovered a new confidence that I never knew I had during those days at the pool side, so with continued work, I know that my confidence will only go up from here. And, upon reaching my goal (because I WILL reach it), I am going to reward myself with a new bikini next year. That is DEFINITELY something I look forward to.

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of summer. Stay safe and wear sunscreen!
Kristina