Truth be told, I'm nervous about this. Putting myself out there, essentially pouring out my heart and soul into a book, is a scary thing. What if I face rejection? What if people hate it? What if? What if? What if? All these what if scenarios are making this first step a bit of a challenge. It's funny, after all the confidence that I've gained, you would think that this would not be so big an issue. Yet when I think about publishing a book full of my thoughts and emotions, it's suddenly like I'm back to the start of things, before I became the confident woman I am now. I have to remind myself that if I can wear a two piece, and let the world see my mummy-tummy, I can certainly do this.
In a way, both situations are a lot alike, now that I think about it. My stomach is very flawed. Okay, that's an understatement. It has stretch marks on top of stretch marks, I have an apron from my weight loss, extra skin and weight add a little more fluff than I would like, and after years of hiding under clothes my stomach is so pale that it's nearly blinding. And that is just one area. My body has flaws all over! Despite all this, I still decided I was not going to hide it. I was going to be proud of the body that I have.
So if I had to paint a portrait of my mind, and what I imagined it to look like, it would be a mirror image of all my physical flaws. Some might ask why I would characterize myself with all these imperfections, or wonder why I see myself in such a negative light. Well the truth is that I AM FLAWED and that I HAVE MANY IMPERFECTIONS, but I wouldn't say that I am seeing myself in a negative way. The stretch marks, the flab, the pasty pale blindingly white skin...all of that is part of who I am, and it establishes something of a road map of the past few years. It tells my story, and it reflects all the hard work I have put in to making myself a better person both physically and mentally.
There are emotional scars that will always remain, but they have faded greatly with time. There are mental stretch marks, from when my sanity was stretched to the limit. There were many times, particularly in the last few years, that I wondered just how much farther I could stretch without snapping in two. My mental "skin" is most definitely pale, after so many years in the dark. Darkness is defined as the absence of light, and I can certainly say that I experienced such an absence during those hardest of times. And though I've shed much of what was weighing me down, there are still a few things that cling on to me, like the extra skin and the apron. I still have what I call "down days," where depression and anxiety get the best of me. Now, instead of wallowing in those emotions, I go on a run, and it helps. It may not fix it completely, but it does make it easier to deal with.
So if I can wear a two piece and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to criticism of my physical flaws, then maybe, just maybe, I can find the strength to open myself up to a wider audience when it comes to my unseen flaws. It's been easy, being open here with my friends and family as readers, because I know you all will support me, and offer me encouragement. Each one of you, my awesome readers, have helped me grow stronger, and more able to face and express what goes on in my mind. I've always tried to hide the less attractive parts of me, but that all changed when I started this blog.
Scary as it is, I know that I can do this, and put myself out there for the world to see. Just like with my physical self, my inner flaws are representative of my achievements. They tell the story of how I have come to be the person I am today. I am proud of who I am, and I am proud of what I have done. Sure, it's hard to look back sometimes, and see what I was like in the past. I still cringe at the old photos of myself, particularly that one of me in the green sports bra, with my stomach hanging out. That is the image I now use to picture what I was like before my mental makeover. And yes, it is equally hard to look at, particularly when I think about putting that image out there for eyes other than friends and family. Yet I know that if I can do it, that I will be be a better person for the effort. Better still, I might be able to help some other person who shares my story.
Vulnerability does not make us weaker unless we allow it to. If we use it, and learn from it, we can come back stronger than we were before. Just like when you work out. You are essentially breaking down the muscle, which seems like a bad thing. But it is through that break down that your muscle rebuilds and strengthens.
Of course all of this is very easily said, and not so easily done. It is going to take some effort to convince myself of everything I have written here, and to not crawl back into hiding. I am going to have to fight past my fears of rejection and criticism, but I've done it before, and I am sure I can do it again as long as I have the support of friends and family. Lucky for me, I can say that I am blessed with such support. What I can not say is when things will be done, only that I have started the process. I am going to need prayers, encouragement, and gift cards to Starbucks or any other donation of coffee to survive this whole endeavor. I'm sure I can count on you guys for at lest the first two!
I am so excited to see where this is going to go. Nervous too, but that is just part of the package deal. As I write this, I keep thinking of a quote from Lord of the Rings (yes, another one, I am a nerd, after all), a bit of advice that Bilbo gave to Frodo.
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
Now some would read this as a warning, and in part it is. I also think that Bilbo knew that it would inspire the same thirst for adventure in Frodo that he himself had. They were both a bit on the Tookish side, so the idea of being swept off to places unknown probably did more to encourage them to go running off than it did to discourage them. Yes, stepping out of my door is going to be a dangerous undertaking, but I'm feeling a bit Tookish myself. Whatever comes, it will be an adventure, that's for sure.
May your own adventures be exciting and, if you're lucky, have a dragon or two.
Kristina.
No comments:
Post a Comment