A victorious revelation?

    If you know me, you likely know that I am a past victim of bullying.  Starting in middle school, and well in to my high school years, I was routinely picked on, primarily about my weight.  Needless to say, while I have grown from the experience, the bullying changed me in a deep way.  To be totally honest, I don't think I ever really "got over it."  I have held on to the anger for a very long time.  I still get nervous when people laugh, because I automatically flash back to school days, and wonder if they are laughing at me.  Generally no, they are not.
    I have dealt, for a very long time, with depression and anxiety that resulted from how I was treated.  I have had to sort through an overwhelming amount of anger and hurt, but I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who has, with love and patience, helped me do that.  Sometimes it means just sitting there and letting me rant and rave about the people who bullied me, sometimes it is saying the same compliment over and over until I believe it, and other times it means dealing with my bad moods and anxiety.
    As I have stated in many of my posts, one of the first things I had to change was my mentality.  People today are so quick to point fingers at someone who is over weight, and say that they are lazy.  What they do not realize is that obesity goes hand in hand with depression.  In some cases, depression leads to obesity, in other cases, obesity leads to depression.  For me, I have always been the "bigger girl." So as I grew more depressed, I also became more overweight.  Typical of a person suffering a depressive disorder, I would use food to comfort myself, and would over eat quite often because of poor impulse control.  I also had no motivation or energy to exercise, and was generally sedentary in my day to day life.  Naturally, these things led to weight gain, thus a deeper depression, and thus more weight gain.
      If you think about it, my poor diet, the depression, the impulse control issues, EVERYTHING, made it hard for me to really take a step towards health. Looking back, I have to truly say that it was a divine influence that finally got me moving, because I do not think I had the strength to do it myself.  So you see, while it is easy to classify someone with depression as lazy, it is not always the truth.
     When I did finally get that push from God, it truly sparked an immense change.  You know, they say that exercise is great for depression and anxiety.  Well, it is true.  My work outs, more specifically my running, have helped my depression better than any medication I ever used.  I'm not discounting medication, by any means.  For some people it is a life saver, but for me, it just was not the right fit.
     You see, when I run, I have little room in my mind for extra thoughts.  Part of my focus needs to be on my breathing, keeping it steady and even as possible. Another part of my mind has to focus on keeping  a good pace, and monitoring my form and where my feet land, so that I do not injure myself.  I also have to keep attention on the signals my body sends me, so I can tell when my body needs to take a break. Further parts of my mind focus on the music that keeps me going.  With all that going on, there is little else I can focus on.  As odd as this may sound, I use this limited focus as a time to solve problems, or as a chance work through things in my life that need working through.    
   Solutions became easier to find, and problems became much less overwhelming. After a while, I finally got the nerve to turn my attention to the bullying.  You see, without the constant "channel change" of thoughts that comes with my attention deficit issues, and the reduced amount of illogical, and negative thoughts that accompany depression and anxiety I was able to truly begin to work through all of it.
    It was about three weeks ago when I finally realized my anger was truly gone.  In it's place was something closer to confusion, and pity for those that treated me the way they did.  I think that, for a long time, I wanted to know why they behaved the way they did.  In a way, I always assumed it was my fault.  Maybe if I had changed something, did something different, been more open, people would have not bullied me.
    The truth is, there is no real answer to why. Certainly the fault is not with me.  I think the only thing that could remotely resemble an answer would be that each person that treated me poorly must have had their own issues that they needed to work through.  This is where the pity comes in.  I have to wonder what is wrong inside those who were the worst to me.  Whatever these things may be, it will never excuse their behavior, but it does explain it.  It is through my pity that I finally forgave them.

  All accomplished while running...see, exercise IS good for you.
   
   Sounds victorious yes?  The amazing part, is that the above is not my non scale victory.  I wrote earlier, about how my mind is much quieter now when I run.  The ruminating, the "channel changing,"  and the illogical fears have been a part of my life for a long time. Until now, that is.  I recently realized something. My mind is a lot less annoying.  While some of this can be attributed to the stimulant medication that helps me focus, I think that all those runs have done more than improve my physical health, and depression.  They helped me learn to control my thoughts.  I hope that does not sound crazy!  Odd as it may seem to those who have never experienced such a state of thinking, it is a wonderful truth for me.  The ability to focus on a single issue without a barrage of interrupting thoughts was something I thought I could only enjoy while running.

Somewhere along the way, that ability became second nature.  VICTORY!

    Even now, writing this, I am itching to put on my running shoes, and hit the track.  Knowing what it has done for me, knowing what it has changed in me, makes me truly appreciate the feel of my feet pounding the pavement.  Starting out, I do not think I realized how much of a change exercise would bring. I don't think I can claim that it cures depression and anxiety totally, because I still experience issues sometimes.  There are days when I let anxiety get the best of me.  There are times when I let myself get down. But now, I no longer let it take total control.  I allow myself a short pity party...while I drive to the gym to workout!

   I may always have to deal with emotional issues, but at least now it is more like climbing a slightly steep hill instead of a mountain.

May your own mountains become foothills!
Kristina.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

  It has definitely NOT been one of my better months.  I know part of the issue is that, with a slightly tighter budget the last few weeks, we have not been eating as well as we should.  Unfortunately, I have been hit with issue after issue that has kept me from working out the way I want to, so if you combine that with our less than stellar diet as of late, it makes for a very unhappy mix.
   First off, my knee braces keep popping off!  I am guessing it is a combination of the deterioration of the Velcro, and the muscle I have built up with all the running.  Needless to say, it makes going for a run a bit of a challenge, because my knees hurt without my patella straps.  Not only am I having technical difficulties with the straps, my shoes are starting to die on me. Poor things have been put through as much hell as my knee straps! So until I can go out and purchase new shoes and straps, I am pretty limited in my running.  Which stinks, let me tell you!
    On top of that, I've had to deal with shin splints and a slow recovery from bronchitis, both of which make running even more of a challenge.  If you have ever tried to run with bronchitis, do not do it.  I could not figure out why my run went so poorly last week, until I finally paid a visit to the doctor.  A round of antibiotics later, I am feeling much better, but because of the lack of running for almost a month, and a combination of sore legs and not-yet-recovered lungs, a mile and a half run had me wiped out on Monday.  It didn't help that my chest and shoulders began to hurt from the "lovely leftovers" of the crud.

   To top it all off, I've gained 3 pounds, and I'm back up to 190.

   In other words, I'm pretty frustrated right now.  Today was the first day I felt able to get in a good cardio heavy workout, but I was unable to do so because the apartment was in dire need of housework, and I had to work a shift at church.  Come hell or high water tomorrow, I'm going to get a workout!  I love walks, and had a nice one today, but I really want something to get my heart pumping, and sweat pouring.  I am also keeping fingers crossed that I can get a pair of knee straps tomorrow.
    As desperate as I am for a good run, though,  I know I have to be realistic about how it will likely go.  That is something I want everyone to keep in mind, when you are hit with your own issues.  Getting back in to a workout routine, regardless of why you stopped, is not easy.  It certainly will not be for me.  I'm just now feeling better after a three week period, which is a long time to break from your regular workout routine.  While I have kept up minor exercise, it is not enough to really replace what I was doing before hand.  I have to keep in mind that my run may not be stellar.  If a mile and a half is all I can manage, then it is all I can manage.
     And while I was looking forward to the 5k on October the 27th, I have to be realistic about my physical abilities, and wait until November to run my first race.  It is disappointing.  However, we would not have been able to go anyway.  You see, it is the fall festival day at the church pumpkin patch.  There will be pony rides, and a fire truck.  All other events in the world are now irrelevant, in comparison to the desires of two 3 year old children!  So, it makes the decision to not run the race a little less frustrating, because we would not have been able to go anyway.
 
   As I have said before, slow and steady will be my pace.  I am going to take my time and ease back in to my old workout routine.  As frustrated as I am now, I know that if I just sit and bemoan the bad luck of the last 3 weeks, that I will be even more frustrated down the road.  It is time to reset the clock, and get myself ready for the next 5k race, and hopefully quickly get back in to the swing of things.  At one point, I would have allowed these set backs to become excuses to just give up.  I refuse to do that now.  I have come too far to let myself slide back.  It also strikes me how much I have changed, because I am frustrated and stressed over my lack of ability to exercise at the intensity that I am used to.  A little under a year ago, I would have enjoyed the excuse not to exercise.  Now, not being able to work out, is like not being able to relax!  I did not realize how much I rely upon my running and elliptical work outs to give me a break from the world, until I was not able to do either!

You don't know what you've got until it is gone...I will never take my work outs for granted again!

With love, and a little bit of frustration,
Kristina

Back on track...and a weekly NSV.

  Well, my train is back on track this week!  As a testament to how diet can really affect your ability to exercise, just a few days of eating healthier, and my workouts picked right back up from where I left off.   Which is good, because my first 5k race is coming up at the end of the month!  October 27th seemed a lot closer on October 1st than it did on September 30th!

    I'm training hard, and running almost every day right now!  Of course, I still keep my "big runs" (runs of 3 or more miles) to only twice a week.  But, I am trying to squeeze in a mile or two every other day of the week, save for Thursday which is my "break day." So far no issues.  I'm really getting excited about my first race.  Nervous too, although I don't know why.  I know I can run the full 5k, but I guess it is just the idea of an "official" 5k that makes it feel different.

    What then is next?   Well, I am going to work my way up to a full 10k!  While I may be able to run the full distance before spring 2013, I still think I want to keep the Azalea Trail Run set aside to be my first 10k race.   From there, I would LOVE to run a half marathon, and after that, we will just have to see!  I guess the idea of me running even six miles seems like a fantasy.  Then again, the very concept of running three miles was out of the question, about seven months ago.  I know that with every new distance I reach, the idea of running a marathon will become less and less like a fantasy.  I will probably find myself looking back to this day, and thinking of how a 10k, or even a half marathon seemed out of reach.

    That is the funny thing about working out, and training your body for something.  You find that it can surpass your expectations.  One of the greatest feelings is looking back, and realizing than even a couple of weeks ago, your body could not do what it can do today.  Six months ago, I could barely run a lap around the track at church.  Today, I can run almost four miles at the park.  

    Maybe it is just me, but I find that amazing.  I'm not referring to my abilities as a runner.  I am talking about the design of our bodies.  I have managed to undo years of damage and abuse that I put my body through in a little over half a year.  Your body wants to heal, it wants to be healthy. If you treat yourself right, your body will come through for you, and do amazing things that you never thought possible.  God certainly knew what he was doing when he made us. 

    That brings me to my weekly non scale victory.  I went for a run last night at the church track.  It had been a long day, and stress was high.  So I went in with low expectations.  I just KNEW my run was going to suck.  However, when I got upstairs, the track was empty.  It is one of the nice things about working out on Wednesday night at church!  My spirits picked up a little.  As I walked my warm up lap, and set up my workout station on Pandora, something happened that made me realize it was going to be a great run.  The first song that came on was Sexy and I know It.  Needless to say, I had a good laugh!  I think that was what really helped me out of my pre-run funk.

    But it also inspired an idea.  I decided to set a different kind of goal.  Normally, I base my runs on distance.  I have to admit, I try not to keep strict track of distance in my head, because it tends to make me focus so hard on what I am doing that I get frustrated.  So I try not to pay attention to the clicker I use to keep track of laps at church, or the pedometer on my waist at the park.

     I decided to try and base my goal on a set time.  I started my run exactly at 7:30, and told myself I was going to run as close to thirty straight minutes as possible.  You see, I have never done that before.  When I do run, I have to take short "breath breaks."  Sometimes though, I think I give up on myself too easily, and break more than I truly need to.

    Now for the victory.
    Last night, the run just felt great.  Pandora was playing great music, I had the track to myself, and I was in a good mood.  Before I knew it, twenty minutes had passed.  I was thrilled.  Normally, I usually take my first break after fifteen to twenty minutes, and yet I still felt like I could keep going.  Not only that, but I had improved my time.  I managed to run two miles in twenty-two minutes!  As I approached the thirty minute mark, I checked the clicker I use to keep track of laps at the church.  I had run thirty-one laps!  I realized that I did not want to just settle for thirty minutes, when I was so close to running a full three miles.  Some how I just knew my body could keep going.  I pushed past the wall, and was hit with an amazing runner's high! Each lap brought me closer and closer to my goal. 

    I achieved two new victories last night.  The first, was running for thirty-three straight minutes without stopping for a breath or water break.  It felt good.  The other was running three consecutive miles without breaks as well.  The breaks I have taken in past runs never lasted more than thirty seconds, but I still wanted to run without having to catch my breath.  Needless to say,  I was so thrilled that I could finally run without having to stop!   After a few sips of well earned water,  I polished off three more laps to give me a happy 3.25 miles, and went home with my head held high. 

   So not only is my train back on the tracks, it is pushing forward full steam ahead!

May your own trains continue safely on their tracks.
Kristina