Humidity sucks.

     I always hate reading those headlines or Facebook posts that read r "Running in humidity isn't hard." Oh, my personal favorite is that "it is just mind over matter."  Uh huh, my body would like to say that it finds the humidity to be quite real, and definitely not something that is just all in my head.  Science, thankfully, agrees.
     When you run, you sweat, or at least I hope you do.  How it works is that the sweat cools our body down when it evaporates off our skin.  That's the problem with humidity.  Because the moisture content is so high, the sweat just sticks around.  Couple that with a lack of breeze, and you're not going to have any hope of cooling down, at least not to the extent you would on a day with less humidity.
    I also struggle to breathe with humidity, seriously struggle.  Even people with healthy lungs can find some small amount of restriction to their airways, but people with traditional Asthma or Exercise Induced Asthma will really feel it, because the elevated heat causes airway constriction just as cold dry air.  I can go do a five mile run on an inside track with air conditioning, and feel great.  But even late at night, a two and three quarter mile run leaves me gasping for breath.  Even running a full mile without stopping is hard because within minutes of starting, my chest and shoulders get sore from trying to hard to pull air into my lungs. It makes for a miserable run if I don't use my inhaler. So if you have one, be sure to use it prior to your run!
    On top of that, it can be very dangerous, even for those conditioned to run in the heat like this.  Choose to run during the cooler parts of the day such as early morning or, if you feel safe doing so, after sun set.  If all else fails, you can run on a treadmill or an indoor track.  That is unless you are stubborn like me!  I insist on running outside, no matter how much I hate the humidity because I get absolutely bored to tears on an indoor track, and end up psyching myself out into a bad run.
      Most of all, try to be patient with yourself.  I know that I get incredibly frustrated this time of year when I am unable to run as far, as fast, or as long as I do during the cooler seasons.  I often feel like I am regressing instead of making the progress that I was hoping for.  At least until I run on an indoor track, and realize that pushing myself through the humidity has actually helped condition me to be stronger.  It is so hard to feel the progress you are making in the miserable temperatures of summer, but I can promise you that if you are running regularly, you ARE making progress.  Humidity just does a really good job of hiding it.
    Which brings me to my final point.  The really big issue with heat and humidity is not how it affects your run quality, though my frustration would say otherwise, but it is instead the danger of heat related illness. If you've ever had a bad night of cramping after a run during a hot day, you have experienced Heat cramps.  They can come on during or after a run, and they are miserable.  I had one last year that pretty much left a knot in my leg for three days.  If you're having these cramps, I would highly suggest some Gatorade and a banana.  Nothing helps heat cramps more, at least in my experience!   Before your next run, be sure to charge up on fluids, because heat cramps can easily become something worse.

 Heat exhaustion, though scary, usually doesn't require a trip to the ER, yet it is not to be taken lightly. Without treatment it can progress quickly to heat stroke.  If you suspect heat exhaustion then it is time to stop.  Go inside into a cooler area, or if possible, a place with air conditioning.  Drink lots of fluids, but avoid caffeinated drinks or alcohol which can dehydrate you further.  Remove any unnecessary clothing as well as shoes and socks.  A cool shower, ice packs, ice towels, or other cooling measures would also help.  Heat exhaustion can also last more than a couple of days, so take it easy for a while and let your body recover!

 Heat Exhaustion:

• Nausea
• Headache
• Fatigue
• Severe muscle cramps
• Weakness
• Confusion
• Drenching sweat and clammy skin
• Slow/Weak heartbeat 
• Dizziness 
• Fainting

     Heat Stroke does require medical treatment because it can be life threatening. It can also come on without warning, so the best thing you can do is prevention.  Again, fluids fluids fluids! The most important thing to do for a victim of heat stroke is to get them cool while you wait for help to arrive. Generally the First Aid is the same as for heat exhaustion, with the addition of direct air flow on the victim from a fan, and ice packs to their arm pits, neck, groin, and back where the blood vessels are closest to the skin.  It would also be wise to monitor their temperature while you await medical help.  If their temperature does not go down, or continues to rise, you can apply further cooling measures until help arrives. 

Heat Stroke:

• Nausea and vomiting
• Headache
• Vertigo
• Flushed or dry skin
• Lack of sweating
• Increase in urination
• Shortness of breath
• Elevated body temperature
• Confusion or delirium
• Loss of consciousness 
• Convulsions 

    

   So the lesson of the day?  Well, actually there is more than one.  First lesson is to drink lots and lots of fluids.  Fluids are a runner's best friend this time of year.  Second lesson is to make yourself aware of the symptoms and treatment of each level of heat related illness.  Last, and certainly not least, is that you should not be too hard on yourself.  If the heat saps your energy and ruins a run, just remember that you made progress, even if it doesn't feel like it.  I would suggest at least one run a week inside on either an indoor track or a treadmill to show yourself that you're doing better than you realize.

   Stay cool my friends, and take care of yourselves please! With any luck, we'll soon find ourselves with cooler temperatures and the beautiful running weather that comes with Fall.

Kristina

A Lesson Learned Is A Lesson Earned

    I woke up Monday morning, which Monday alone is frustrating enough as it is, but to top it off I woke up with severe pain in my right knee.  By severe, I mean I stepped out of bed and said a few words that would put a sailor to shame. Every time I put weight on my knee, it would leave me in tears.  Not just from pain, but also because I was afraid that this would be that injury, the one that I was afraid of.  The one that would end my running days for good.
     It is with thankfulness and praise that I can say it was not such an injury, like a torn ligament or worse.  Instead it was a severe flare up of my osteoarthritis.  Yes, you read that correctly, I have arthritis in my right knee. It was diagnosed when I was much heavier, and it is a result of my long term obesity.  By losing the weight, I certainly improved what was a near constant pain, but there are still times when it flares up like this.
     Easy as it would be to blame things on genetics, or bad luck, the truth is that my life choices were what resulted in the pain I experienced these past few days.  And....I will admit....my bad decision to run in very cheap $9 running shoes.  Yeah, I'm actually ashamed about that part, and not so much the part about my weight in the past. Running in cheap shoes is NOT a good idea.  Ever.  Well a lesson learned is a lesson earned!  I will be investing in a new pair of shoes as soon as I am able.  It is a good thing that I have to take a break from running, so I can save up the money until then.  Dear readers, let this be a lesson to each of you as well.  You get what you pay for in athletic equipment, and the one thing you do NOT want to scrimp on is your athletic shoe.
     That said, I also must insist that you do what you can about your own unhealthy habits as soon as possible.  Because I allowed my obesity to go unchecked for years, I allowed the damage to be done to my knee. Damage that, I fear, is always going to be a part of my life.  I'll even admit that running is probably not the BEST exercise to do, but there are ways that I can do it safely without causing further damage to my knee.  Continued use of the patella straps is a must, and I also need to include more workouts to strengthen my muscles in my knee. I'm also now going to be on a daily anti-inflammatory medication and Glucosamine supplement to help reduce inflammation and prevent further damage to the joint.

    Had I done something years ago about my weight, I wouldn't have to deal with this now.  But what is in the past is in the past, and I've grown and learned from that.  I've chosen to use it as a lesson to help make better choices in my future instead of something I should be ashamed of, and run from.  That is something I encourage each of you to do.  Use my lesson to help prevent you from learning things the hard way, like I did.  If you are making unhealthy choices, and I do not limit this to being over weight, then now is the time to take that step and fix things.  Do NOT allow yourself to do further harm. We only have this one body, and we should do all we can to take care of it.
    The one thing that really bothers me about this is the one thing I was once guilty myself of doing.  For a long time, I did not really take into account just what I was doing to myself.  I dismissed the poor diet and lack of exercise as an issue with the mentality of "I'm fine now.  Why should I worry?" I didn't consider the long term implications of it all.  It is a mentality I regularly come across these days.

   "I drink soft drinks all the time, and I'm fine."
   "I'm overweight and I'm fine."
   "I smoke, but I'm fine."
   
   Sure, you're fine now, or at least you believe that you are fine.  The most dangerous symptoms of poor health are the ones that aren't immediately obvious, or the ones that are most easily ignored and explained away.  Then one day you wake up, and you're not fine. You have Diabetes, or heart disease, or like me, Arthritis.  The time to take action is not when you have reached that point.  The time to take action is now, even when you believe you are fine. My diagnosis at the age of twenty-three with Arthritis was the first in a long line of wake up calls, ones that I could have avoided had I not procrastinated.
     Despite my young age, though, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I have Arthritis because I can also add that I did eventually do something about it.  I could have just given up, and let it be another excuse not to get up and take action. Now, when I say that I have it, I can also add the story of my success.  It just would have been easier to do it without the pain. Then again, I've never really been one to take the easiest path.  It's an occupational hazard of being stubborn!

Stop procrastinating!!!!
-Kristina




   

Time to go beyond the blog!

     After receiving so many positive remarks on my blog posts, I have decided to take my memoirs beyond the blog and onto the pages of a book.  I can't count the number of times now that someone has told me that my story and my blog have inspired them to get up and start their own life changes.  Nothing makes me happier than to see others achieving the goals that they have set for themselves, so those comments keep me going. I realize now that I want my story to go farther than just my friends and family.  I want to spread it to others who might need a push in the right direction.  I want to encourage others who need encouragement just like I did when I started my own journey. We live in world where there are so many discouraging things, that I want to be a part of those tipping the scales the other way (no pun intended!)
     Truth be told, I'm nervous about this.  Putting myself out there, essentially pouring out my heart and soul into a book, is a scary thing.  What if I face rejection? What if people hate it? What if? What if? What if?  All these what if scenarios are making this first step a bit of a challenge.  It's funny, after all the confidence that I've gained, you would think that this would not be so big an issue. Yet when I think about publishing a book full of my thoughts and emotions, it's suddenly like I'm back to the start of things, before I became the confident woman I am now.  I have to remind myself that if I can wear a two piece, and let the world see my mummy-tummy, I can certainly do this.
     In a way, both situations are a lot alike, now that I think about it. My stomach is very flawed.  Okay, that's an understatement. It has stretch marks on top of stretch marks, I have an apron from my weight loss, extra skin and weight add a little more fluff than I would like, and after years of hiding under clothes my stomach is so pale that it's nearly blinding.  And that is just one area. My body has flaws all over! Despite all this, I still decided I was not going to hide it. I was going to be proud of the body that I have.
     So if I had to paint a portrait of my mind, and what I imagined it to look like, it would be a mirror image of all my physical flaws.  Some might ask why I would characterize myself with all these imperfections, or wonder why I see myself in such a negative light.  Well the truth is that I AM FLAWED and that I HAVE MANY IMPERFECTIONS, but I wouldn't say that I am seeing myself in a negative way.  The stretch marks, the flab, the pasty pale blindingly white skin...all of that is part of who I am, and it establishes something of a road map of the past few years. It tells my story, and it reflects all the hard work I have put in to making myself a better person both physically and mentally.
     There are emotional scars that will always remain, but they have faded greatly with time. There are mental stretch marks, from when my sanity was stretched to the limit. There were many times, particularly in the last few years, that I wondered just how much farther I could stretch without snapping in two. My mental "skin" is most definitely pale, after so many years in the dark.  Darkness is defined as the absence of light, and I can certainly say that I experienced such an absence during those hardest of times.  And though I've shed much of what was weighing me down, there are still a few things that cling on to me, like the extra skin and the apron.  I still have what I call "down days," where depression and anxiety get the best of me. Now, instead of wallowing in those emotions, I go on a run, and it helps. It may not fix it completely, but it does make it easier to deal with.
    So if I can wear a two piece and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to criticism of my physical flaws, then maybe, just maybe, I can find the strength to open myself up to a wider audience when it comes to my unseen flaws. It's been easy, being open here with my friends and family as readers, because I know you all will support me, and offer me encouragement. Each one of you, my awesome readers, have helped me grow stronger, and more able to face and express what goes on in my mind. I've always tried to hide the less attractive parts of me, but that all changed when I started this blog.
    Scary as it is, I know that I can do this, and put myself out there for the world to see.  Just like with my physical self, my inner flaws are representative of my achievements.  They tell the story of how I have come to be the person I am today. I am proud of who I am, and I am proud of what I have done. Sure, it's hard to look back sometimes, and see what I was like in the past.  I still cringe at the old photos of myself, particularly that one of me in the green sports bra, with my stomach hanging out. That is the image I now use to picture what I was like before my mental makeover. And yes, it is equally hard to look at, particularly when I think about putting that image out there for eyes other than friends and family. Yet I know that if I can do it, that I will be be a better person for the effort.  Better still, I might be able to help some other person who shares my story.
    Vulnerability does not make us weaker unless we allow it to.  If we use it, and learn from it, we can come back stronger than we were before. Just like when you work out. You are essentially breaking down the muscle, which seems like a bad thing.  But it is through that break down that your muscle rebuilds and strengthens.
     Of course all of this is very easily said, and not so easily done. It is going to take some effort to convince myself of everything I have written here, and to not crawl back into hiding. I am going to have to fight past my fears of rejection and criticism, but I've done it before, and I am sure I can do it again as long as I have the support of friends and family.  Lucky for me, I can say that I am blessed with such support. What I can not say is when things will be done, only that I have started the process. I am going to need prayers, encouragement, and gift cards to Starbucks or any other donation of coffee to survive this whole endeavor.  I'm sure I can count on you guys for at lest the first two!
   
    I am so excited to see where this is going to go. Nervous too, but that is just part of the package deal.  As I write this, I keep thinking of a quote from Lord of the Rings (yes, another one, I am a nerd, after all), a bit of advice that Bilbo gave to Frodo.

    "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door.  You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

    Now some would read this as a warning, and in part it is.  I also think that Bilbo knew that it would inspire the same thirst for adventure in Frodo that he himself had.  They were both a bit on the Tookish side, so the idea of being swept off to places unknown probably did more to encourage them to go running off than it did to discourage them. Yes, stepping out of my door is going to be a dangerous undertaking, but I'm feeling a bit Tookish myself. Whatever comes, it will be an adventure, that's for sure.


 
 May your own adventures be exciting and, if you're lucky, have a dragon or two.
Kristina.

Of splash pads, sharks, stars, and sunburns.

         It's been a couple of weeks since our vacation, and I'm still enjoying the stress relief it brought me!  Our five days at the lake side cabin proved to be everything I had hoped, and more, and I have come back to the daily grind refreshed and ready to get back to business.  
       We spent most of the time chilling out at the splash pad and pool, trying to help the kids gain more confidence in the water.  Both Ayden and Kathryne made some really good progress, but Ayden really surprised me.  He'll be swimming in no time! We, unfortunately, didn't get much time at the beach due to a few unfortunate circumstances.  On the first day we planned to go, swarms of sharks had appeared all along the waters of Orange Beach and Gulf Shores, which led officials to close many of the beaches, and warn people on other stretches of sand to stay out of the water, just in case.  By the time the sharks had scurried away, and the beaches opened again, red flags went right back up.  There were some very strong currents and rip tides,  which makes swimming dangerous even for strong swimmers.  We finally managed to squeeze in some beach time on our last day along a stretch of water that is not as prone to strong waves, but we still had to stay in very shallow waters.  Even then, it made for some good fun and photos!

     Our adventures weren't just limited to water, though.  We spent an afternoon walking around the Gulf Shores Zoo, which was fun at first, but it got hot quickly, and I think the kids may be growing out of their zoo phase.  They enjoyed more our trip to the Naval Aviation Museum in Pensacola.  We arrived in time to see the line forming to go watch the Blue Angels practice over the air strip!  Granted it was a long wait, very hot, and ended up giving Ben and I a nice bit of sun burn (the kids were, thankfully, spared), but it was amazing!  I'd never actually had the chance to see them before, so this was a wonderful experience for all of us.  Well, at least until Kathryne started fussing.  I think it was less to do with the noise (I DO have video proof that she was enjoying herself at first) and more to do with the fact that she was hot, tired, and hungry.  Ayden lasted the entire show though, and spent the whole museum trip talking about how he was going to be a Blue Angel pilot one day.  He is now the proud owner of a large, die cast blue angel model airplane that has fueled many hours of imaginative play.

      In addition to some much needed R and R, I also made sure to keep up the work outs.  Yep, you read that right.  I did not use vacation as an excuse to slack off!  While I was only able to get in one run, I still did my weights every other night, and spent a great deal of time doing other physical activities.  I made sure to swim laps in the pool, did an impressive amount of walking, and basically did what I could to stay active.  I must have done something right, because by nine or ten most nights I was crawling into bed, and falling asleep the moment I made contact with the pillows.  If you know me, you know that this is a very unusual thing for me to do.

     The one run I was able to manage was short, but still a big achievement.  I have never had the chance to do a run on the beach.  It's something I've always wanted to do, but I have always been too afraid to give it a try, because I knew it would be one of the hardest things I've done yet. After doing the mud run, I finally had the courage to push myself to do it.  I set what I believed was a reasonable goal of one mile. We would start at the pier, and go from there.

   Let me just say this.  I cussed more in that one mile, than I did the entire mud run.

    Barely a quarter mile in, I was already wanting to give up.  My legs burned, my chest hurt, and my pinkie toe was throbbing.  No really, it was!  Luckily Ben was not about to let me give in.  At half a mile, I was determined.  I stopped to catch my breath, and was feeling all smug about how far I'd come until I saw how "not far" we had come from the pier.  I believe I said the "F bomb" a few times.  Still, I kept going.  I had a good flow of music, and after coming half way, I was sure as hell not going to give up.  Three quarters of a mile in, I had a come to Jesus moment because I thought I was dying.  Then finally we came up on that last stretch.  I wanted to give in, but my destination was just ahead.  You see, the thing about running on that beach is that it lacked the twists and turns that my usual routes take.  This meant I could clearly see what I had accomplished, which made a much bigger impact than seeing it mapped out on my GPS.  Sure, I cussed a little more, yelled at Ben, shed a tear or two, and doubted my sanity, but I finished that mile.   And you know what?  I want to do it again.  Knowing now that I can do it, I am going to go back one day and challenge myself to go beyond a mile.
   

     After that, we sat down on the beach and just watched the waves roll in for a while.  This was mostly a chance to let me catch my breath again, and reassure myself that I was indeed still alive, but to also just enjoy the quiet of the ocean, and the stars above.  I so rarely get a chance to run at night in Mobile, and when I do, you really can't see the stars like you could that night at the beach. I was so busy fussing about how hard the run was, that I didn't notice the beauty all around me.  I was glad for that break because I made sure to look up to the skies on the return run, which made it much more enjoyable. Our break finished, we hiked it up to the road, which ran through the national park, and back to the pier.  In the end, I had only run two and a quarter miles, but I was okay with that. After starting out not even believing I would make even one mile, I am very pleased with what I achieved.  Thank you, Ben, for running with me and pushing me to do something I didn't think I could do.

     The vacation also proved to be a good chance to learn some new work outs to help me build up my arms.  Most of my lifts focused on my biceps, chest, and shoulders but nothing really for my triceps.  Dad showed me some new workouts that I am going to incorporate into my weekly routine to help build up those muscles now, though I am considering having a day specifically focusing on my triceps and abs.  Knowing myself, and my current strength, it will likely be the best option for me.

     I've also set for myself a new goal.  I enjoyed wearing my two piece, and proudly showed off my mum-tum, but I want to look even better next year. There will never really be any sort of perfection, unless I go for plastic surgery, but I'm going to do what I can to make myself look better in a bathing suit. I discovered a new confidence that I never knew I had during those days at the pool side, so with continued work, I know that my confidence will only go up from here. And, upon reaching my goal (because I WILL reach it), I am going to reward myself with a new bikini next year. That is DEFINITELY something I look forward to.

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of summer. Stay safe and wear sunscreen!
Kristina

 









     

A LONG overdue update.

   It's been a very long time since I last wrote something on here, but a few recent changes have prompted me to get back to writing.  And, I admit, I realized how much I missed this blog. It was something that kept me honest with myself, and something that inspired many of my friends.  With so many now starting their life changes, I thought it would be a good idea to return to Jiggle Proof.
   I'm not running as far or as regularly as I was, mostly three or four miles two or three times a week, but I still enjoy it.  I've started focusing more on weight lifting and muscle building now more than anything. I have a lot of extra skin on my legs and arms that is left over from my weight loss, and the only way to really "tighten" it, is to build muscle to fill up where the fat once took up space.

Finally seeing some muscle!

  So far I've had some really good results. I'm very pleased with the shape my arms and legs are in, as compared to a few weeks ago when I started my new weight lifting routine. I am opting for higher weight and fewer reps to build up bulk, because quite frankly I would like to look like I could kick someone's ass.  And with how buff Ben is getting in preparation for police academy, my competitive nature took over.  He may have stronger arms, but he can only do half the squats I can, and that is without weights.  The friendly competition helps inspire both of us to really push ourselves.

    I'm still dancing with One Step Ahead, and just danced my second recital a couple of weeks ago.  It was an absolute blast, and I have found that I really enjoy being up on stage and dancing.  I am in a class with an amazing group of ladies who make Monday a more tolerable day, and who have become some of my best friends in the last couple of years. Not all that long ago, I wouldn't have had the confidence to dance on stage, or wear our performance uniform, which is basically skin tight tops with booty shorts.  But not only do I wear said outfit, I wore it down town while dancing in a Mardi Gras parade.  How's that for confidence?

Portrait day for dance.  LOVE this costume!

See..skin tight with booty shorts!

Can you tell I've gained confidence?

Me and the Monday night hip hop ladies.  

Getting ready to dance the finale

    Also of note is that I ran my first mud run a couple of months ago. Yep, you read that, me on an obstacle course.  It challenged me, big time, but a couple of years ago I wouldn't have even been able to do some of the easier obstacles.  I came in 5th out of eight in my age group.  That may not sound like much to some, but for me, that was a HUGE achievement.  I have the poster and medal hanging up on my wall right now, reminding me every day of what I can achieve when I put my mind to it.

Crossing the finish line with a big smile!

    Now for the BIG reason for my update here.  I am going to be wearing a bikini for the first time...at least since I was MUCH younger. Now I don't have flat abs, I'm still a bit chubby thanks to my mommy pooch and apron, and I have some impressive stretch marks, but I am going to wear it.  I have lost 80 pounds, and I want to show it off.  I don't want to wait for corrective plastic surgery!  I'm going to rock that two piece this week.  Besides, when I look at where I was, and where I am now I have to stop and think...WOW I look so much better!
 

That was then

This is now!

   
 
























     I'm looking forward to regularly updating my blog again, and starting back with the record of my fitness journey.  I may have fallen off the wagon for a while, but I've climbed back on now, and I am feeling great.  Ever since taking back my body, I've learned to appreciate it more, and my continued pursuit of fitness is a mark of that appreciation.
 
As always I wish all of my readers the very best of luck with their own goals, and pray that you have a good journey on your way to fitness.
-Kristina

Of trials and tragedy

     The past few weeks, heck, even the past few months have been very trying on my patience.  Lately, running has been a challenge due to some breathing issues.  Essentially I have been ignoring my symptoms, passing them off as allergies, when I knew for a fact that asthma had reared its annoying head again.  One of the Pastors at my church, who is an avid runner as well, joked that I was behaving like men do when they are sick.  Okay, I'll give him that, he was right!   But when I could no longer run, or even breathe comfortably on a regular basis, I finally had to break down and see a doctor.   I'm doing much better, now that I am treating the symptoms with an inhaler.  With any luck, systems will be fully restored soon.
     And then it hits me that I can recover.  It hits me that I can work through this to get back to regular running, and training.  There are those, sadly, that can not say the same due to some pretty cowardly acts in Boston.
    When you are runner, you almost feel like you are part of this fellowship.  I've noticed it often when I run at the park, and I come across another runner.  We give this knowing grin and nod of a head as if to encourage one another.  I've also come across this bond at work, where a lot of runners use our track, and we often discuss the joys and frustrations we all face.  We throw tips and ideas back and forth,  We encourage each other over this shared love of running.
    So when the bombs went off in Boston, a part of me hurt along with all those who were there that day.  Every story I heard about someone killed, or hurt in turn made me really appreciate this community we have.    In the aftermath, it just amazed me to see people come together to help those affected by the bombings. I was particularly touched by the tales of men and women who ran straight through the finish line, and to hospitals or blood banks to donate blood.  Basically, we acted like a family.  Which, to tell the truth, we are family.  We don't share common blood, heck we don't all know each other.  We just all love to run.
     But we can look past the fact that there are quite a few people that lost their ability to run that day, either to death or injury.  Sure, some may find ways to come back, but not all of them.  Some of them may find a new love or hobby, but not all of them.  In essence, the bombings took more than life or peace of mind....it took away the JOY of running.
    When your feet take to path and pavement, you can let go of everything.  You can go into your own world, and leave behind all the frustrations and worries you feel.  It is great sense of freedom.  But they nearly ruined it by making people afraid of losing life or limb to something that should bring happiness.   It saddens me to think that this sport that people once loved may now bring them pain or fear, when it should ease those emotions.
    And to think I was upset because I had a small issue breathing, something that is easily fixed with medication.  I appreciate my running even more now, and encourage others to do the same.  Acts of terror, which I think is good description for the Boston bombings, are not simply attacks on people, but on ideals.  This was very much the case with Boston.
   Still, they cowards that did this over looked an important fact.  I do not think they understand that they attacked a very stubborn population of people.  You see, runners have to fight through quite a lot. Our bodies are not exactly meant to run in the way we demand they do.  But we run anyway.  We push through injuries, aches and pains, physical limits, and so on. In other words, we seem to all enjoy breaking past obstacles.
      I used the word stubborn, but perhaps a better term would be driven.  We are a driven group of people.  I have to believe that the injured will find a way to come back.  I believe that those who were emotionally hurt will find solace again, if not in running, than in other means of finding peace.  And I believe the rest of us, who were only distant witnesses to the attacks on our brothers and sisters, will continue to encourage them in their recovery.  That is what families do!
     Nothing will stop us, be it a small thing like asthma or a tragedy like the bombings.  Runners, like any athlete, do not give up.  We may slow down, we may catch our breath, but we do not stop.


Kristina

I'm Baaaaaaack!!!!

   What a crazy past few months!!!  I hate that I have not been able to really post in such a very long time.  Life, unfortunately, has made that a bit of a challenge.  Thankfully things are settling down now, so that I can get back on track with both my weight loss and my blogging.
   We've been busy trying to finish up and get settled after a fairly big move.  We are officially out of apartments, and in to a nice rental house.  The down side of that, though, is that we are still without internet service, hence why it has not exactly been easy to post blogs.
   The kids are just about to finish up their first round of C-Sports at church.  My babies are T-Ball players!  When did they get old enough to play a sport, huh?

    I'm still working at Christ United with the recreation ministry.  It takes up a few evenings a week, and pretty soon it will take over my Saturdays this summer.  It may mean more hours, but I certainly can not complain about the boost in pay!  Unfortunately, it makes it hard to find time to run.  With any luck, once dance settles down, it won't be such a challenge!  After all, I have to be ready for my half marathon in January!  Thirteen miles....have to say, that is a little bit intimidating!

    Hopefully my posts will become regular again, assuming things continue to slow down.  I have a few that I have written over the break that I have been unable to post due to lack of internet, but I will have them up soon.  

Kristina

     

A wise investment

    Life is full of wise investments, like a new home, or a reliable car.  Your health is one such investment.  As I myself have learned, poor health can have a negative impact on all parts of your life, not just physical well being.  However, there are long term details that often go ignored when you consider obesity and fitness.  In the long term, people who are obese generally suffer more health issues than those who are fit.  The cost of treating illnesses like heart disease and diabetes is overwhelming, and the earlier you develop such a condition, the longer you will have to treat it.  Not to mention, the mental and physical toll those illnesses take on a person can be devastating.  But when you stay fit, and keep yourself healthy, you do your future self a favor.  You can prevent weight related disease, spare your joints, and generally just feel better.
    So what exactly does an investment into health take?  Well, here are a few investments to consider.

1) Invest your time.
    This one is pretty obvious, since getting healthy takes time.  You have to set aside part of your day to exercise and get active.  It has not always been easy for me.  It took a long time for me to be able to see my work outs as free time, instead of taking away free time.  It also means getting up early on days that I will not have my evenings free, robbing me of that oh-so-precious sleep in time. I would be lying if I said I enjoy getting up early.  I have never been, nor will I EVER be, a morning person.  However, if I want to reach my goals, it is a sacrifice I have to make. But your work outs are not the only thing that require time.
    When you start, you need to invest time in to research.  First, dedicate some of that investment into researching different work outs you want to try. It will require a few rounds of trial and error to find workout or athletic activity that you really enjoy and will stick to, so do not get discouraged if it takes a while.  Once you get that settled, take time to research any equipment you will be using when you exercise.  Sometimes the best way to find out how worthwhile a piece of equipment is, is to read up on the opinions of those who actually use it.  You can ask around to family and friends, or go online and look up ratings and reviews for the item to help you in your search.
   It is also wise to invest time in to creating a weekly menu with healthy meals, and looking up healthier ways to cook some of your favorite meals.  This also means trying to create typically store bought foods from scratch.  You will be more likely to stick to healthy eating when you have a set menu for each week.
    Most importantly, invest some time into meeting with a health care professional.  Go in for a basic check up so you can have your blood pressure taken, and cholesterol levels looked at. This way you, and your doctor, can keep a record of how your health improves as you get in to shape!  Your doctor will also have a good idea of what your physical limits are, and together you come up with work outs that will not only help you achieve the goals you want, but will also keep you safe while doing so.  Not to mention, a good doctor will be a cheerleader, and give you some support along your way to a healthier you!

2) Invest your money.
    This one can be a challenge, specially considering the current economy. Truth be told, you really do not have to invest a lot of money to get healthy.  A walk at the park or around your neighborhood is free.  But there are some things that you would be wise to spend a little money on.  The first would be a good pair of shoes, if your workout of choice requires it.  Be sure to go to a store that has trained staff to help you find the type of shoe that your feet need.  That staff member should take the time to discuss your current level of activity, watch you walk (or run, if you are running), look at the shape of your feet, and take in to account any health issues you have to help you find what you need.  The $115 investment I made in to a good pair of New Balance running shoes made all the difference in the world to my knees, ankle, and back.  Not only was I less sore after a run, I was able to increase my distance by quite a bit!  If you want to find a store that DOES assist with shoe selection, I highly suggest McCoy Outdoor.  They were very helpful, and we found the perfect pair of shoes after only two tries.
    Go ahead and set up a good budget if you do not already have one, because fresh fruits and vegetables, and cooking from scratch can cost more than buying processed foods.  To save money, we often shop at farmer's stands and the Flea Market for our produce.  Most of it is locally grown, which drives the cost down, allowing us to eat healthier on a tight budget.   Also, part of weight loss means you should eat out less, which will save you a fair chunk of change.  Use the money you save from that towards your healthier menu. 
     Now that you have done your research in to any equipment you may need, be it fitness gear, braces and supports, or clothing (specially for women, a good athletic bra will save you a LOT of pain), you can start making purchases. While price may not always reflect quality, do not be afraid to pay a little more for something that you really like and works for you, or that you read good reviews for. If you are interested in joining a gym or finding a personal trainer, the same advice applies.  Research, budget, and go for it!
    Also invest in a decent music player if your phone does not already function as one.  I will be the first to admit that a good play list can make or break my workouts.  A basic Ipod shuffle will run you about $49 these days.  Simple mp3 players can start at $29, and go up from there.  If you will be using your phone, you can use a variety of music apps like Iheartradio, Slacker, or Pandora.  Personally, I enjoy Pandora's work out stations.  Though it takes a little tweaking, Pandora usually plays a good song rotation for me. In addition to a music player, try to find a case with which to carry it (I need to take my own advice on this one).  Look for ones that have adjustable arm bands, and are water proof so that sweat, rain, and humidity won't damage your phone or music player. Now as far as head phones go, that is all a matter of opinion. I prefer a cheap pair of gas station ear buds, because they are easily replaced and stay in my ear better than other types of head phones!

3) Invest blood, sweat, and tears.
   The biggest thing you need to invest in to your health is dedication.  Like most things in life, you get out what you put in.  When you give your dedication and hard work, you will enjoy many wonderful benefits.  As tempting as it is to give in to quick weight loss diets and miracle drugs, they generally do not work. I can not say it enough, you get what you give.  All these programs promise results with little effort, but to lose weight, and keep it off you have to put in the hard work. On top of that, while they may help you lose weight, only exercise and good nutrition will make you fit. Smaller numbers on the scale do not automatically mean you are healthy, which is why I try to emphasize the importance fitness in addition to weight loss.
    I can truthfully say that I  have invested my blood, sweat, and tears into my transformation.  I've had a few injuries here and there.  Blisters, Achilles pain, damaged toenails...and let's not go in to the acne that has decided to return.  It would seem my skin does not realize that I am twenty-six, not sixteen.  I suppose I can't complain too much about that!   I most certainly have sweat, as evidenced by the sweat stains on some of my clothing.  Speaking of which, I do believe I have some laundry that needs to washed.  And I have cried.  I've shed tears of pain and frustration, but also tears of relief and joy through all of this.  The good tears definitely make up for the sad ones!

  4) Invest faith
    No matter what belief you follow, faith will get you through.  For me it is faith in God, faith in myself, and faith in my purpose for doing this - my family. When you hit a bump, or when you find that plateau and you want to give up, don't. So often people give up when they have even a small struggle with a life change.  But it is those times when you should fight even harder. In doing so you overcome another obstacle, and you will realize just how strong you are.  You just have to believe in something.  Above all, though, believe in yourself.

As much as I have had to sacrifice, it has all been worth it.  The investments made have paid off beautifully.  Like with any investment there are risks.  Without a doubt, though, the benefits outweigh those!  Good luck with your own investments and life changes, and may they grant you the returns that I have found!
Kristina

                                

Nerves of steel...abs of, well, not steel.

   Anyone who has followed my posts and photos or who sees me on a regular basis can tell you that I have gone through a massive physical transformation.  However, I have only posted photos of me with clothing on, hiding the still embarrassing state of my stomach and abs.  That is going to change.  This certainly will not be an easy post for me, considering my natural tendency is to HIDE my stomach.
    My pregnancy gave me a wonderful gift, in that I was blessed with a beautiful son and daughter. I would not trade motherhood for anything.  But my pregnancy also left me with something else, something I am not very fond of.
    When I got pregnant, I was already pretty overweight at 250 pounds. During the course of the eight months I gained another forty-five pounds, which was actually right where the doctor wanted me.  Then I went to what would be my final pre-natal appointment, feeling that something was wrong before I even went in.  The swelling that had plagued me the entire pregnancy just about doubled the day before that appointment.  When I stepped on the scale at the doctors, I had gained about 12 pounds in a little under a week, putting my weight gain at 57 pounds total. The weirdest concentration of fluid was actually at the bottom of my belly, creating what would become the apron that I have now.
    It was little surprise that I was diagnosed with pre eclampsia.  I was sent right away to USA Children's and Women's.  Originally the plan was to induce me, starting that night.  However, my health necessitated a different route.  My blood pressure continued to rise, despite the large amount of magnesium sulfate they gave me, and then my kidneys had trouble functioning.  It was at that point that they decided we would have to do an emergency c-section.  While I do not regret the surgery, it too contributed to the current state of my stomach.
     To give you an idea of why things look the way they do, here is a photo of me at about 32 weeks, about three weeks before I delivered.  I actually got bigger than this, if you can believe it!

  

     So , after my pregnancy, and weight gain, and everything, my stomach was left looking less than pretty.  I had, and still have, an apron of fluid and skin that actually extends to my hips.  Despite all the weight I have lost, it has yet to go away.  If anything, it actually has grown worse.  On top of that, I have a "mommy pooch" from the pregnancy and c-section that is being less than cooperative.

  The next photos are back from when I started. It's hard to believe how big I was!

260 pounds, size 24/26

   These are the most current photos of me at the 168 pound mark.  Same sports bra, by the way!  It's hard to believe how different I look now, from how I looked then.  Almost embarrassing really.  But I am so proud to see how far I have come in what really is a short amount of time.  I still have a long way to go, but it is wonderful to see my progress!

  These photos I took yesterday really show the apron.  Like I said, it's going to take a lot to correct it, but I think in the end it will be worth it.  

   So here it is.  My abs may not be rock hard, but my nerves certainly are!

Learning from the past

    I had the chance to read something today from a person who battled anorexia, and it brought up some memories of my own.  While I can say that I was  fortunate to have friends and family that knocked sense in to me before I went too far, it is scary to think about easily I fell into that state of mind.  It started off with the simple desire to be thin. Looking back, I know now that it was anything BUT simple.  And it was the wrong desire.  Sometimes I wonder that if I had focused on getting healthy, not being thin, that maybe I would have avoided the trap I fell in to. However, I am glad that I did experience what could have easily led to anorexia. It taught me a great lesson, and helped me stay in a healthy state of mind as I spent the last year working to lose weight.
     I still wonder why it was so easy to get into a pattern of skipping meals. I knew then, as much as I know now, that you have to eat to lose weight.  At first, I was going about the weight loss in a healthy way.  Instead of eating the cafeteria food (specifically the pizza), as was my usual habit, I started bringing healthy lunches like Tuna with celery or fruit salad. I quickly began to lose weight, but it was not quick enough.  Tuna and celery quickly became a slim fast bar and a piece of fruit.  Still not fast enough.  It became just the slim fast bar. Then half a bar, then nothing.  It was not long before I started skipping breakfast too.  If I did eat during the day, it was usually nothing more than celery, maybe a bite of a Slim Fast bar and a couple of grapes.
    The weight fell off of me, and I enjoyed it. Yet it didn't matter that my size had gone down drastically, I still felt very fat, and that I needed to lose more weight.  It did not take too long for friends and family to start realizing that I was not healthy.  I was having dizzy spells, and fainted quite a few times.  I actually skipped periods occasionally.  I couldn't focus at school, and I was always moody and miserable.  In fact was as miserable when I was skinny, as I was a year ago when I was severely obese.
    I had support all around me thankfully, and they all saw how quickly I was letting myself go down a very bad road.  But the person who really helped me the most was Ben. He stuck with me through the whole thing.  We had not even been together a year, and yet he made it his goal to help me get past that bump in my life.  See why I married him?  He is an amazing person!
     Ben spent every day telling me how pretty I was, and how much he loved me.  He would make sure I ate my lunch, and fuss if he found out I skipped breakfast or dinner.  As much as I hated gaining the weight back, over time I began to understand the risk I had faced.  In only a few months I had lost close to 60 pounds.  That doesn't sound like a lot, unless you consider that I was not really THAT heavy to begin with.
    This time, I am so glad I was able to lose the weight in a healthy way.  I would be lying if I did not say that I am occasionally met with the temptation to skip a meal again, or fall back into old habits.  Running has certainly helped with that.  My runs suck if I have not had enough calories during the day.  Let me tell you, few things irritate me more than a bad work out, and skipping meals will pretty much guarantee that your workout will not go well.  Having set for myself the goals of running a 10k and a half marathon, not eating is certainly out of the question!
    As much as I would like to say that I regret that part of my past, I can not.  It taught me far too many valuable lessons, and it has made me the person I am today.  The same can be said for the bullying that led to the disordered eating, I wouldn't change it.  Hard as those times were, they are an important part of who I am. If my experiences can help even one person that reads this blog, then I am even more grateful for that part of my life.

   I know that some of my friends have experienced, or are currently experiencing, the same fight to varying degrees.  And it is for them that I wrote this. For every person like me, who was able to stop, there are at least two others who are unable to.  I'm thankful for my family and friends, and I often thank God for giving me an awesome boyfriend that stuck around through a very rough period to become my husband. Without them, I do not know what would have happened.

    If any of you are fighting this frustrating battle, just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that you do not fight alone.
Kristina
   

I just gained back 90 pounds!!!!

   Ben got the idea tonight to try an experiment with a couple of back packs and some of the weights we have around the house.  We slipped 80 pounds of weights into the bags, and then had me put them on.  Needless to say, it was an eye opening experience. In the past year, I have lost 90 pounds.  So putting on the bags with close to that amount of weight really made me understand just how much I have taken off of my body.
    Simply walking around the living room for about two minutes was hard.  My knees felt sore, my breath was shorter, and I couldn't even do three squats.  I have no idea how I functioned on a day to day basis back then, when I weighed 260 pounds.  Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't function.  I just existed.
    It is always an eye opening experience when I look at my old photos.  I realize how miserable I was and how horrible I looked and felt.  It was embarrassing when we moved in to our new apartment with a stair well, and I had trouble going up and down the small flight of stairs.  My knees would ache, and I would find myself out of breath at the top landing.
    I have to sit and ask myself WHY I let my body to get to that point.  I think, honestly, I let it go because I did not see what I had done.  More accurately, I did not WANT to see what I had done.  I did not want to see that my poor choices had caused me to experience health issues that no twenty-six year old should have to deal with.
    So tonight, as I tried to walk around the living room with the added weight on my body, I found myself thankful that I finally did something.  Thankful that I finally took back the health that I had so easily tossed aside.  I never truly appreciated what it meant to be born with a healthy body, until I no longer had one.  It is amazing what we take for granted, until it is gone.  I never want to go back to that place again, now that I know what healthy feels like.  Though it may be hard to believe, I did not realize how poor my health was, until I began to experience what it meant to be fit and healthy.
     After my experience tonight, I want to try something.  I want to find a weighted vest, one that hopefully can bring me close to my old weight.  And then I want to spend a day or two trying to go about my normal routine with it on.  Just basic things like doing laundry, playing with the kids, teaching a lesson, doing this or that at work.  I hope to record my thoughts and experiences on here if I get the chance to do it.  Putting on the weighted bags tonight truly made me appreciate the changes my body has gone through in this past year. I know that I'll appreciate the changes even more when I try to go a day or two with the weight back on my body.

Amazing what can come from a little bit of inspiration!
Kristina
   
   

The extra mile...and a little insanity.

    So I can not deny that I have been slacking a little bit on my running. I'm trying to adjust to my new work schedule, dance is picking back up, and trying to run outside during the short daylight hours reminds me of that scene from the Mummy Returns where Rick is trying to run Alex into the temple before the sun hits his bracelet...only I am racing the sun set! This means I am trying to find ways to squeeze in work outs, while still having time to do housework, take care of the kids, and maybe even relax!
   I think I am finally getting a good schedule down, now, though. And I have slowly, but surely, started to work my way back up to where I was back at Thanksgiving, when I ran the Turkey Trot.  As of right now, I can officially say I am training myself up to run the Azalea Trail 10k!  I had a bit of a shocker the other day.  I looked on the calendar to the day of the race, March 23, and realized that it looked a LOT closer on this side of Christmas.  Time to get my butt back in gear!
    Tonight I finally had a little bit of free time, after my dance class, and went for what I had planned to be a short three or four mile run tonight.  Let me tell you, by mile three, I was ready to give up!  Something pushed me on, and I managed to fight my way to that fourth mile.
    I sat on the bench at the track, and stared at my phone.  It was still pretty early, and I had managed to push past my wall, and I decided to go....

Duh Duh Duh!!!!!

THE EXTRA MILE!

     If you had a tape recorder of my thoughts for that mile, I'm sure it would make for a very amusing clip to listen to.  No two runs are ever, mentally, the same for me.  Going in to one, I sometimes have no idea where my thoughts are going to take. As I started out on my fifth mile, my mind grew more and more entertaining to listen to.

Lap 1-
   The song "I feel good" is finishing up. I quietly mouth the lyrics, while doing a little dance.  I have the track to myself, no one can see me! Oh crap, I forgot about the cameras.  Oh well, who cares!

Lap 2-
   Oh man, I'm hungry.  I can't wait to get home and have some of that chicken, coated in Sweet Baby Ray's.  Hey now stomach, no misbehaving, we aren't home yet!  I wonder if we have any King cake left.  Oh come on Kristina, one slice of that will totally ruin this run.  But the cream cheese precious...it's cream cheese!  No! *gollum gollum* No cake precious....

Lap 3 and 4-
   Ooh, Sandstorm.  I like this song.  Hey, wait, where is my Darude CD?  Oh well, I'm sure it's around.  I wonder if they'll play this at the Jag's games again this year.  I hope so, I can't stand that other song.  Oh man, I miss football. Well, sort of, it is nice not to have to pack up the kids every dang Saturday and haul all that stuff to the jags games.  Aww man, I missed the song. Shut up brain!

Lap 5-
    Oh Lord, why did I decide to run five.  *Insert cartoon angel and devil on my shoulders*
 Devil: If you stop at six, it will be close to five miles right? Come on Kristina, just be bad tonight.
Angel:  Now, now Kristina.  You want that race right?  Keep on going, you are almost to six laps.

Lap 6-
   A commercial....go figure. I start to mentally sing a really annoying intro song for Inuyasha.  Why, Lord, why?  I hate this song, why am I singing this.  That's it, I've gone crazy.  This extra mile has stripped my sanity.

Lap 7 and 8-
Me:  I'm not gonna make it, I can't maneuver
Gold Five: Stay on Target
Me: So close...but so far
Gold Five: Stay on Target!
Me: Loosen up Kristina...

Lap 9-
   Mental image of the death star blowing up....yay!!!

Lap 10-
   I have so much to do tomorrow.  Groceries, pick up apartment...oh look, the lights got turned off.  Hey wait, I'm still up here.  Oh wait, never mind, the track lights are still on.  I'm good.  Ignore my girly scream.

Lap 11-
   I like this song, it makes me happy..."I feel so close to you right now, it's a force field."  Wait...that doesn't make sense.  Isn't a force field supposed to keep things out, or away?  This guy obviously is NOT a sci fi nerd.  If he was, he would know better than to use force field.  It should be tractor beam you idiot!!!!

Lap 12....
   *Insert chariots of fire theme*  Five miles, yeah buddy, I did it!!

  Thus ends the strange perspective of Kristina's thoughts while running.

Pie crust promises...

Easily made, easily broken.

  That is a pretty good description of New Year's resolutions.  Before you make any this year, look back at all the resolutions from your past. If you have made your current ones more than once, then do yourself a favor, and do not do it again.  The problem with using an annual holiday to mark a life change, is that the special day comes again in another 365 days.  If you fail to stick to your resolution this year, it is far too easy convince yourself that you can just try again in the next one.
    Why do you have to wait until the next New Year celebration to start your life changes? I do admit that last year, Ben and I dedicated 2012 to be a year for fixing me.  However, it was not really a resolution, as much as it was an idea.  Ben told me, if I wanted,  to use 2012 for myself.  It was up to me to take my first step in that direction, and I did so by making a start, not a promise.
     I'm not saying that you should not use tomorrow as a kick start to a new life.  January 1, 2013 is a great day to begin.  So is January 2nd.  Or February 1st.  Or any day, for that matter. It is not that the first day of a new year is a bad time to start a change, but do not use the cliche of a "New Year's Resolution" as a reason to improve your life.  Instead of a New Year's resolution, just make a start, period.  If you fall down, then pick yourself right back up.  Don't allow yourself to fall in to the trap of "well, there is always 2014."
     One of the most popular promises at the end of the year is the promise to lose weight, and get healthy.   It certainly makes a great illustration for what happens to resolutions.  Gym membership sky rockets in January.  Then February comes, and it slows down.  By Easter, many of those gym memberships have failed, and are given to the next new year.  There is no rule, or magic formula that says the start of all life changes have to be limited to New Year's Day.  You do not have to wait until the next year comes around to pick back up if you fall down!
   That is why I say do not make a resolution.  Instead, just make a small change tomorrow.  Do not go for seconds at dinner. Maybe replace a soft drink with a glass of water.  Instead of sitting around watching the television on your day off, go for a walk, or get outside and play with your family. By the end of the day, you will have made healthy choices without having made a single resolution. In doing so, you will have an easier time making similar choices the next day.
     You do not have to make yourself a promise for change to actually make a change.  If you promise yourself a new start tomorrow, why not step up to the plate now, and make the change today.  Keep pushing yourself.  Tomorrow may be the start of a new year, and that does make it special.  But any day that you decide to change your life for the better is special. A transformation that starts on the first of the year is no more important than one that starts on any given day.  
    A transformation is not going to have steady growth.  There will be bumps, there will be pot holes, there will be times when you want to give up.  A New Year's promise to start is easy, and it looks so much nicer wrapped up in a special date. The problem with that, is when you have to pick yourself back up later on.  It is hard to do, because getting back in to the groove does not  look as appealing without the frills of a holiday.  That is why I say do not use the New Year as your reason to change, even if it marks the start.  Come up with something better.  Make your start special because of what it means to you, not because of the holiday it happens to fall on.

A promise is much easier to make than a change, but a change is easier to keep than a promise.
Kristina

Sexy?

    Sexy...a word that I have never actually applied to myself.  I've never actually felt it.  To feel sexy, you would first have to feel attractive, and well that has even been a challenge for myself. Sexy and attractive were words that described other people, certainly not me. For so long I have always been the big girl, or the fat one.  You get used to it after a while, and get in to this mind set where you truly are unable to see yourself as attractive.
 
    Today I decided to be daring, and try on an outfit that, for lack of a better word, is sexy.  It's a slim fitting halter top in my new size twelve jeans.  Okay, hold the phone, size twelve?  Yes, it is true.  I have managed to get down to a size twelve, and let me tell you, it feels amazing!  The average woman in the United States is a fourteen.  For once in my life, I am quite happy to be below average!

    Looking in the mirror, I suddenly realized that I actually felt attractive, maybe even a little bit sexy.  It's an odd feeling.  It really is.  It is almost as if I am seeing the physical changes for the first time.  A while back, I read an article about something called "phantom fat."  It's very common in people who have had weight loss surgery, or people who have lost a great deal of weight.  I can certainly say I fall in to the latter of the two.

    Phantom fat is a result of disordered thinking. When you are overweight, particularly if you are severely overweight, you get into the "fat mentality."  I didn't bother looking at regular size clothing.  I always made sure to have a large space between my car and another in a parking lot, and I always wore clothing that hid the fat.
   
    Now, I have this different body.  It's a more athletic build.  It's much more slender, and it fits into clothing that I would never have looked at a year ago.  Only recently have I been able to go in to a store, and walk to the regular clothing sizes, too used to visiting the plus sized sections for clothing. I look at a space, and think there is no way I'll be able to squeeze through that, but I end up surprised that it is no trouble at all.  I look in the mirror, and I do not see a size twelve.  I still sometimes see the size twenty-four.

    In other words, my brain hangs on to the fat that is no longer there.  It is long gone, and yet my brain just does not seem to understand that fact.  Although I can say that it IS getting better.  Just the fact that I let myself try on the halter top that I have not worn in years speaks to that.  It was also nice to find that I was not as surprised that the size twelve jeans fit, as I was when the size fourteen jeans fit.  It is like my brain is finally saying "yes, you're attractive now...yes, you're slender now...get used to it!"

So here it is...the size twelve jeans, and my cute little top.  I'm finally starting to really see how much I have changed, and it sure feels great!

The journey so far.

       I am closing in on the one year point of my weight loss journey.  I suppose now you could really say it is more of a life transformation journey.  Somewhere along the way this became more than just getting healthier, and looking better.  It really became a personal challenge to improve myself in as many ways as possible.  I see positive changes in numerous areas of my life now, in places I did not even think about originally.  I did not really put a time line on how quickly I wanted to lose the weight, I simply just said I would do it. 83 pounds in eight months is something I can definitely be proud of.  I'm steadily approaching my big goal of losing 120 pounds.  It is like losing an entire person!  But transforming myself in body and mind in just a year, that is something I am truly proud of.
   From here, where I will go, I don't know.  I think it will become less about weight lost, and more about things gained.  I promised myself when I reached 140 pounds, I would ease some of the focus away from the scale, and spend more time focusing on physical achievements like races.  There is so much I want to do and try.  So many other things that I want to achieve.  I want to look back on this year, and use it as a standard, by which I set my goals in the future.  I know that great things are ahead of me.  When I started out, I viewed this year as an ending.  It was an ending to my overweight days, my obesity, my unhealthy life.
     Now I realize that it was a beginning.  I have found a great purpose not just in improving myself, but helping others to do the same.  I initially began this blog to really just document my feelings.  To help me sort through all the changes I would experience.  Now it has grown to be something much more.  I've had opportunities come my way to share my story outside of this blog and my Facebook. I've made new friends along my journey, and reconnected with old friends over a shared desire to be healthier.  I have to believe that there is more to this than what I have experienced so far.  I do not know what the next year is going to bring.  I don't know what I will do, or where I may go. I just know that I am going to continue.  I'm excited to see where this journey takes me, and even a little scared.
    All this talk of a journey, of unknown paths, brings to mind a song from Lord of the Rings.  I have always liked it, and often think of it when I go for a run. Like I have said before, I am most definitely a nerd, and I enjoy thinking of fantasy stories when I work out.  It helps to pass the time.  This song speaks about setting off on a journey.  The road is long, and you do not exactly what lies ahead, but you still pursue it eagerly.  Who or what you  may meet remains a mystery.  That is what makes up the adventure.  That is what makes it worth the journey!

    The road goes ever on and on,
    Down from the door where it began.
    Now far ahead the Road has gone,
    And I must follow if I can,
    Pursuing it with eager feet,
    Until it joins some larger way
    Where many paths and errands meet.
    And whither then?  I cannot say.
         -J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings

    That song has always been a favorite, but more now, than ever.  It is so wild to see where I started, and to see where I am now. I still have a long way to go, I still have a lot of road to explore.  I guess you can say that this was really just the first chapter.  Ben and I dedicated 2012 to be the year of "fixing Kristina."  We realized recently that the year was coming to a close.  We also realized that fixing problems and self improvement can not just be limited to a single year.  We should always strive to better ourselves.  In doing so, we are better able to help others.  The healthier I have become, the better I have become.  I am a better wife, a better mother, a better person all around.
     Seeing what this has done for me, makes me want to help others achieve the same thing.  I think that is my first new goal.  I had a year dedicated just to me, to help myself.  While I still plan on working on me, I want to spend this next year helping others with their own goals.  I am not sure how or when the opportunities will come, but I will use them when they do.  I can not wait to see where this road is going to go!

Chapter one is closing.  It is time for chapter two to begin.

The year in review

Fall 2011.  260 pounds, size 24.  Ben and I talked about the "year of Kristina."

New years 2012.  Not a resolution, but a promise from him, to me.  This was my year!

The photo that started it all...I hated how I looked.  It was time to change

245 pounds, size 22

230 pounds.  Size 22.  First time I could wear that sweater in forever!

   

210 pounds, size 20.  Those jeans were once my favorite! It felt great to wear them again.

200 pounds, and size 18!!  Man that felt good!

200 pounds.  Biggest difference was in my face, and neck.

                                      

190 pounds, Size 16 jeans, and a Large blouse.  Not extra large. I was officially out of the plus size section of the store!

185 pounds, and a size 14.  Feeling great, and looking gorgeous!

I have not been this size since probably my junior year of high school.

Getting some muscle!

My first 5k race.  I ran it in 34 minutes, and 15 seconds!

A little under a year since we said we would make it "my year."
178 pounds, having lost a total of 82 pounds.  Size 14 jeans now fitting better, in fact they are starting to get a little loose.
A much happier, healthier me.  I think chapter one is ending on a very good note!